Why kids feeling safe matters more than being ‘caught up’

Parents hear the reminders all the time: Is your child reading on grade level? Do they know their multiplication tables yet? Especially after the pandemic, the phrase “catching up” has hovered over kitchen tables and classrooms alike.

But developmental science, and therapists working directly with Pittsburgh families, point to something more foundational. Academic milestones can be informative, but what matters is that children first feel safe, connected and supported. That sets the stage for learning and wellbeing. 

Safety before success

“Emotional safety is the foundation for everything that a child is going to do. Kids have a safe space to make a mistake. They have a foundation to try things out that maybe they’re not confident about. Without that emotional safety, all of the other stuff is going to be really hard,” said Kristen Ann Walker, MS Ed, LPC, clinical director at the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh.

Walker notes that parents often focus on grades or milestones, like when a child should read full sentences or master multiplication tables. But those skills are secondary. “School has to be a place where it’s OK to make a mistake. Home has to be a place where it’s OK to make a mistake. Because that’s how we learn. And it’s harder to raise your hand in school if you don’t feel like you have that strong foundation.”

The American Academy of Pediatrics echoes this in its policy on relational health, calling safe, stable, nurturing relationships “biological necessities for all children” — as essential as food or sleep. Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child explains why: when children don’t feel safe, their brains stay in fight-or-flight mode, disrupting attention, memory, and problem-solving.

What happens in the body

Walker describes it in everyday language: “When a child isn’t able to feel safe, their brains are on high alert. And it’s really hard to learn new information when you’re wondering about your own safety.” Cortisol levels rise, sleep may be disrupted, and focus becomes nearly impossible.

She adds that even one steady, trusted adult can make a dramatic difference. “Sometimes it only takes one person, just one adult a student can trust, to have a huge impact on that student’s life. That could be a parent, and sometimes it’s a teacher.”

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child explains that when stress responses go unbuffered, it disrupts brain architecture and weakens systems responsible for attention, memory, and self-control. But, they say, “supportive relationships…can help buffer a child’s stress response, promoting resilience and healthy development.”

This buffering role is crucial for school-age children. Harvard Health highlights that co-regulation (when adults model calm and help children recover from stress) is a powerful tool for kids and teens. A student who feels safe enough to make mistakes, ask for help, or manage disappointment is a student whose brain is ready to learn.

The weight of toxic stress today

When children experience stress without enough adult support, their bodies respond by flooding with stress hormones. Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child calls this toxic stress — the kind that, when unbuffered, “derails the systems that manage attention, memory, and self-control.”

What protects kids is the presence of steady, responsive adults who bring the nervous system back to calm.

This is where the idea of “serve and return” comes in. Every time that a child babbles, points, or cries (the “serve”) and an adult responds with eye contact, words or a hug (the “return”) neural connections strengthen. Harvard researchers note that these back-and-forth exchanges play a key role in shaping brain architecture.

Kids today face unique pressures. “I think kids today are experiencing toxic levels of stress at a rate probably unprecedented, just because of access to everything,” Walker explains. “If you did something embarrassing in the third grade in the ’70s, people forgot. Now it’s here forever. Kids can’t get away from it.”

Also, social media has intensified comparison. “Nobody’s posting, ‘I got a mediocre grade,’” she said. “It’s always, ‘I got an A. What did you get?’ Kids see that and internalize it.” For some children, this means living in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” That, Walker said, is what toxic stress feels like.

What it looks like in schools

Social-emotional learning (SEL) has become the umbrella term for the skills that grow out of safety: self-management, empathy, and responsible decision-making. CASEL, the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, identifies these as core competencies that make academic learning stick.

In Pittsburgh, SEL appears in many places: 

• Pittsburgh Public Schools (PPS): SEL is part of the five-year strategic plan. PPS partners with more than 100 community organizations and uses the Panorama SEL survey twice a year to track how safe, supported and connected students feel.

• HealthyCHILD, University of Pittsburgh Office of Child Development: This program provides a trauma-sensitive, culturally responsive, whole-school model to buffer stress and strengthen relationships.

Walker has seen the shift firsthand: “There’s such an increase in acknowledgment of how much our emotional well-being impacts our academic and physical well-being,” she said. “I love that schools are putting out this effort, because kids spend so much time there.”

“Most schools in Allegheny County now have partnerships with mental health agencies,” she said. She points to programs like PATHS, which teaches emotional regulation through stories and puppets, and the availability of school-based therapy and prevention groups.

What it looks like at home

Parents can create safety in daily ways. Walker encourages caregivers to:

• Acknowledge all emotions. “All emotions have a purpose,” she said. “We want to respect and honor them, even the ones we don’t prefer.”
• Approach behavior with curiosity. Instead of “Why aren’t you focusing?” try “I wonder what’s going on that you’re having a harder time focusing today.” That shift reduces defensiveness and invites conversation.
• Connect before correcting. Emotional safety first; discipline or guidance after.
• Keep routines steady. Predictable schedules help children’s brains relax and focus.
• Model regulation. “When adults show empathy and emotional intelligence, kids open up to exploring new things in their world,” Walker explained.

Fred Rogers’ reminder rings true here: “When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

Signs a child may not feel safe

How can parents tell when something’s wrong? Walker advises looking for patterns: “Maybe you had a child who was always happy-go-lucky, and suddenly they’re showing more anger or withdrawing from friends. Or maybe grades are dropping, and they’re not doing things they used to enjoy. Those are signs you want to take a closer look at.”

The long-term payoff

Research shows that the benefits of safety last into adulthood. A JAMA Pediatrics study of more than 6,000 adults found that those who reported six or more Positive Childhood Experiences, like having a trusted adult, predictable routines, and supportive environments, had 72% lower odds of depression and poor mental health later in life, even if they had also faced adversity.

Walker underlines the same point: “Kids will learn academic skills more effectively when emotional safety and emotion regulation are paid attention to. Empathy and compassion open them up to learning.”

Pittsburgh resources for families

• University of Pittsburgh Office of Child Development (HealthyCHILD/HealthyInfants): trauma-sensitive, culturally responsive supports for early childhood sites and families.
• Trying Together: family-friendly guides and activities to build social-emotional skills at home.
• Pittsburgh Public Schools SEL: overview of how SEL is integrated district-wide, with links to surveys and supports.
• Allegheny Family Network Parent Support Line 1-888-273-2361: peer support from parents who have navigated children’s behavioral health needs.
• UPMC Children’s Pediatric Behavioral Health Walk-In Clinic: same-day behavioral health assessments for ages up to 18. Open weekdays 5–9 p.m. and Saturdays noon–4 p.m. 

The takeaway

For parents watching their kids step into classrooms this fall, the message from science and local practice is steady: It’s not about catching up, it’s about feeling safe. And when children feel safe, at home, in school and in their communities, they not only catch up — they thrive.

Walker offers parents simple reassurance: “Engage with your child with curiosity and empathy. Don’t be afraid of difficult conversations about emotions. Kids need those conversations to happen. And you don’t have to be perfect. On any given day, you just have to be good enough. And good enough can vary with the day.”

Want to learn more about mental health efforts at local schools? Check out this feature story and this one, too!