How do you feel today? Advice on talking big emotions with little kids

Photo above of kids in Kindermusik Class courtesy of Kathy’s Music.

For many parents, the hardest part of helping kids with big feelings is getting them to say what they’re feeling in the first place.

Is it frustration? Fear? Embarrassment? Or just plain tiredness? For a toddler who’s still figuring out how to form sentences, or a 7-year-old who’s been holding it all in, the answer isn’t always clear.

But crayons, clay, music and even puppets can help. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, we spoke to local experts using creative, developmentally appropriate tools to help kids build emotional vocabulary, process tough emotions, and express themselves in ways that go far beyond words.

Why emotional vocabulary matters

When kids melt down, it’s tempting to react with discipline or distraction. But what if the real root of the outburst is emotional illiteracy?

“Similar to learning any academic skill, such as learning to read, children too must also learn ‘emotional literacy’ built upon an ‘emotional vocabulary,’” explains Dr. Aileen Oandasan, a psychiatrist at Allegheny Health Network. “In normal childhood development, children typically begin to learn simple emotion words as early as age 2, but this primarily grows from ages 3–5. During this age, learning basic emotions such as happy, mad and sad are developmentally normal.”

Emotional vocabulary doesn’t just appear. It grows with time, exposure and support, according to Dr. Oandasan. Between the ages of 4–11, she says, emotional vocabulary grows depending upon many factors including:

1) the child’s temperament and developmental factors

2) parental factors, including social factors and environmental conditions

3) the reinforcement of emotional vocabulary by teachers and caregivers

These are important in solidifying this area of emotional learning.

And just like phonics unlocks books, emotional words can unlock personal connection. “A child with a strong emotional vocabulary will be more prepared to identify their own feelings,” she says, and “may be equally adept at identifying these emotions in those around them.”

The cost of not having these tools? It often shows up in behavior.

“Two-year-old children are just beginning to learn how to label their emotions. In this age group, emotions are oftentimes accompanied by tears and physical acting out such as hitting, biting, pulling, stomping and tantrums,” Dr. Oandasan explains. “These emotional expressions are developmentally appropriate in this age group. On the other hand, a child who has similar expressions of emotions, more physical in nature, rather than being able to express their emotional state, would be a child who may be struggling with identifying, labelling, expressing, or managing their feelings.”

Art as a universal language

That’s where creativity comes in. When words fail, other things — colors, shapes, and textures — can say everything.

“Art is an innate language and experience that we are all born with,” says Jenna Schmiedel, an art therapist at UPMC Western Psychiatric Hospital. “Most adults struggle to properly explain their mental states using verbal processing, let alone children! It is so important to show children at a young age that art making can be a tool to safely communicate and let out our deeper feelings to the world and ourselves.”

Letting those emotions out, visually and tactilely, can be powerfully therapeutic. “When we allow our dark and anxious thoughts to live in our minds, those emotions have the control. No matter how far we push them down, those thoughts will build and eventually explode. However, if we practice letting those thoughts and feelings out onto paper, clay, canvas, etc., we are taking that control back,” says Schmiedel. 

Dr. Oandasan echoes this perspective, adding that for children who are delayed or still developing verbal skills, artistic expression is a critical release valve. “Creative pursuits such as painting, building, art and writing provide a non-verbal expression of emotion, especially for children who may be delayed or lacking an emotional vocabulary. These pursuits can provide healthy outlets to manage stress.”

And they don’t just build self-awareness. They build compassion, too. “Writing and storytelling help children to develop alternative perspectives,” she adds, “which ultimately fosters empathy and social awareness.”

Try this at home: therapist-inspired activities

The good news? You don’t need fancy supplies or formal training to help your child explore emotions through creativity.

Dr. Oandasan suggests starting with low-pressure activities:

• Feelings collages: “Children and parents can create collages using images from magazines or online that represent a range of feelings.”
• Creative art projects: “Use any media such as painting, sculpting, drawing to reflect emotional states using visual imagery through the art.”
• Play acting: “Use puppets or dolls to role play different scenarios centering on emotionally provocative situations.”
  

Schmiedel also recommends clay, an unassuming but powerful material. “All ages can find enjoyment in playing with a ball of clay whether that be to self-soothe, squeeze like a stress ball, or build an intricate design. Clay has the innate ability to build with, destroy and rebuild. The tactile expression of working with your hands creates a naturally therapeutic and fun experience.”

For kids who hesitate or seem uninterested, Schmiedel says don’t worry too much about what they make. Focus on how they make it. “Many times, when someone is reluctant to engage in art making, it is because the pressure they are feeling is focused on the end product,” she explains. 

“I encourage everyone to go into art making with the focus being the process of creating and not the end result. If we are expressing ourselves, trying something new, and having fun while we do it, then we are creating; being proud of the finished product is just the cherry on top.”

Don’t forget the music

While art supplies and puppets help kids express big emotions, music — especially in early childhood — is another powerful tool for social-emotional growth.

Kathy Morrison, Studio Director at Kathy’s Music, and her team use the globally recognized Kindermusik curriculum to help children connect not only to rhythm and sound, but also to their own emotional world.

“I believe the Kindermusik experience boosts emotional development because Kindermusik classrooms are a safe place where children can learn and grow with award-winning, research-based curriculum that meets children where they are,” Morrison explains. “It is child-centered AND age-appropriate. Our job as teachers is to connect, rather than direct. There is no judgment, but rather engagement that invites children to explore, discover, and create music.”

And that experience extends well beyond songs. “The same is true for creating friendships and an abundance of cognitive learning,” she adds. “We provide age-appropriate and meaningful work that builds confidence over time. Yes, music is a huge component. But so is the Kindermusik experience itself.”

Her perspective aligns with broader research shared in a Kindermusik blog post by educator Theresa Case, which highlights how music rituals, like swaying to a lullaby or singing before bed, help reinforce safety, connection and emotional regulation from infancy through early school years.

A space to be messy, silly or sad

In the end, the experts all agree: What matters most isn’t the tool you use, but the freedom you offer.

“Life is very complex — full of black and white, right and wrong, and yes and no,” says Schmiedel. “The arts are one of the last spaces where we live in the gray. There is no right or wrong way to create.”

She continues: “Permitting a child to get messy allows them to find comfort in chaos and beauty in that mess. Letting a child color outside of the lines teaches them they can march to the beat of their own drum and still make metaphorical music. As long as we, as adults, can provide nonjudgmental, encouraging support to our children’s creative journeys, we are setting them up for success.”

And ultimately, that’s the whole point. Giving children the tools to talk, draw, dance and sing their way through big feelings helps them move through the world with clarity, empathy and confidence.

Or as Dr. Oandasan puts it: “A strong emotional vocabulary helps children better understand themselves, and those around them.”